How to Communicate And Be Understood

What's the Difference Between Evaluation Language and Descriptive Language?

    In everyday life, we use language to express our wishes, desires to friends, family, and work colleagues. It's natural to use words and yet words account for only 7% of communication (Mehrabian). A huge 93% is non-verbal. Just think about that!

    Therefore, if words account for only 7% of communication isn't it logical, therefore, that we need to become the best we can be to communicate at the optimum level.

    For example, consider the following scene: Mum has just had a brand new carpet laid in the living room of her pristine 2 by 4 semi. A luxurious wool carpet. In recent days the weather has been inclement and her 8-year-old son, Billy, has been outside playing with his football in the mud. Innocently, Billy ventures into the house and walks across the brand new carpet, leaving a huge dump of mud and grit are strewn across it. Mum sees what has just happened and without thinking, utters a verbal outburst and at the top of her voice, calls Billy out, "who do you think you are destroying my beautiful new carpet", using gruff words and body language (remember 93% is non-verbal). This leaves billy dejected. Here we have an example of evaluative language. We, sometimes, without even thinking make a value judgment on the intentions of another's action. The situation is explosive and open to more unpleasantness. How many times in work and indeed in familial situations do we mind read another's actions?

    A much better way is to use descriptive language. Mum could just as easily have said the following. "Now Billy, look back over the carpet and the mud marks you have made ?" "What do you think about that, my Billy?" Describing (using descriptive language) what actually has happened or is happening is a much more mature and better way to communicate. Less explosive and leaves dialogue open.

    Similarly, should someone approach you waving their hand (finger in the face) in front of you and using evaluative language, perhaps, "Who do you think you are, you so and so?"

    You can respond and deflate the situation as follows: " I really want to understand you and I could hear you much better if you placed your hand by your side." Just describing what's happening without making evaluative assumptions can be very productive and as I mentioned above, deflate the situation and leaves open the opportunities for further dialogue. Try it! 

    Practice, practice, practice!